So i’m home alone yet again, and the noises are continuing. I guess i’ve got to ignore the noises and realize they’re just hallucinations. I wish I wasn’t such mental case. It’s so beyond ridiculous how your own mind can play this type of stuff on you.
why I go to school is because I absolutely hate make-up work. I don’t even learn anything in school. I’ll miss six days total this year, all due to choir/musical related functions. SIX DAYS! That’s so many days missed compared to my normal one day a year. But tomorrow is the district choir festival, and i’m hoping that I get the solo for one of the songs we’re singing. I’m so excited to spend the whole day in my choir gown and i’m dorky but I don’t care. Choir kids are the coolest.
It’s 6 in the morning, and already my day is sucking. I woke up and my mind was spinning, and then I try to make breakfast which ends bad. I made myself a toaster strudel, and I went to get it out of the toaster and after it was on my plate, my dad said something and I just dropped the plate. Then dad called me a retard which is ridiculous. So now we’re out of a plate, I had to make more food, and i’m late.
Well, shit. How DO I feel? I feel as if I’m just an invisible girl who know one cares about. Too bad I know that no one cares about my sanity, my mood swings, my cutting, any of it. You all have your own problems to deal with, so I just shut up and mind my own business. And do not expect me to believe your life is horrible because of one situation. IT IS ONE FUCKING SITUATION! Do you have any idea of what I go through on a day to day basis? It’s not as bad as some people, but throw yourself and my shoes, I’d like to see you try. You CANNOT just be “depressed” because of one little situation. Suck it up and move on, goddammit. My mom told me to “suck it up” when I was young, because that’s what she was told and she actually had an incredibly tough life, and she’s still here. Everyone who self-diagnoses themselves will piss me off eternally, because I’ve been through so many stupid diagnostic meetings and all that joy. If you throw all your problems out there, and I don’t think they’re that bad, then odds are they aren’t. But hey, we’re two completely different people, you know? So I don’t want you ever to compare yourself to me and say you know how I feel. Because there’s only one person I’ve met who actually goes through similar things that I go through. GROW UP! Your life isn’t that bad. You just want sympathy for something that honestly isn’t that big of a deal to me at least. So please, for once just actually listen to what I’m saying. Too bad none of you will. I’m just going to fucking kill myself, and this mess will be over. Everyone will be happy, I’ll be dead; all my problems gone with me.
Just because I cut my hair off does not mean I aspire to be a boy, i’m a lesbian or anything of that sort. I’m happier with this haircut. Also, don’t ask me if I got a haircut because its pretty damn obvious I did. Thank you.
Sorry I haven’t been blogging a whole lot lately, I’ve been busy. There’s a lot going on right now and I’m trying to figure out how to live with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m coping well, but I don’t know how to put anything. I hope you all are doing well. (:
Today consisted of getting a pixie cut and feeling confident for once, then going up to Pennsylvania for dinner with my parents friend’s. My dad’s friend Chris showed me all of his deceased sister’s photography albums (black and white film) and I was just so inspired. He actually gave me her Nikon film camera, with the film and the attachable flash and everything. But I just want to cry for some reason, probably because I’ve got stupid bad memories in my head. I’m just going to sleep for awhile.
I don’t understand why I feel the way I do. I had a wonderful day, and now these feelings are sweeping over me. Today started terribly, I was simply mad at the world. By the end of second period I was feeling better, probably because I actually ate something, but then I got to meet someone who I can count on completely and it was just nice to be hugged and make a quick conversation. In third period I auditioned for a solo (Disturbia was the song), and I think I did really well. I didn’t get nervous and shaky like I usually do, and my voice wasn’t quivering. Lunch was nice, and funny. In fourth period I slept, and then it was time for me to go home. I went for a walk outside and took some nice pictures, then watched Smash until dinner. Now i’m sitting in my room with a lit candle, singing a bit and thinking about everything. This is the first time in awhile that I’ve actually felt some happiness, and I think it’s a lovely feeling. I want this feeling to stay up. Tomorrow i’m getting even more of my hair cut off, then going to dinner. Sunday I want to just have someone come over and watch movies with me and just talk and smile. I really hope my plans work out. I’m on the brink of happiness and I want to stay here.